Yankees Tattling Backfires

The idiocy that is Applegate is finally coming to a close, with MLB Commissioner Manfred handing down his punishment just in time to ruin everyone’s weekends. But not really. Not at all, actually. The Lord of the Major League has decided that the Red Sox will be fined for using Apple Watches to steal signals, but in a “shocking” twist, the entirety of the undisclosed fee to be paid by the Sox will go towards hurricane relief in Florida.

That’s right: because the Yankees couldn’t handle how badly they suck (we’re looking at you, Aaron Judge), they felt the need to go and tattle like we’re all a bunch of 12-year-olds. Really mature, guys. And the best part? The Red Sox were able to take this backstabbing, turn around, and donate money to people who really needed it and show the Commish that the Yankees were breaking the rules too. If using Apple Watches, the most irrelevant of all Steve Jobs’ creations isn’t allowed, then improper use of the dugout phone is most definitely on the list of no-no’s. So Manfred is fining them, too. More money for Irma!

The irony in all this is that the Red Sox and Yankees had admirably joined forces not even two weeks ago to raise money for hurricane relief. There was a whole show about putting aside the rivalry for what truly matters, using their voices and prestige to actually help people in need. Maybe this was just New York’s way of going the extra mile for those poor, displaced victims of Harvey and Irma… just kidding, they’re way too petty to be doing this for a good reason. The rivalry lives on.

In an age of technology, it’s shocking that the rules surrounding electronics and baseball haven’t been updated. I don’t condone cheating, but stealing signs is actually allowed, just not the way the Red Sox did it. Even Manfred’s statement conceded that “the prevalence of technology” has affected the game, so we can assume that while this particular case is effectively closed, the conversations about technology are only just beginning. And while the punishment is actually a great opportunity for some very wealthy people to do some much-needed good and doesn’t seem like much of a punishment at all, Manfred seems serious about future repercussions for any team that doesn’t comply with the MLB’s technology practices, saying that “All 30 clubs have been notified that future violations of this type will be subject to more serious sanctions, including the possible loss of draft picks.”

So New York: thanks for being second-place sore losers who felt the need to tattle on us to daddy. If we had to go down, I’m glad we got to take you with us. Funny enough, we come out of this looking charitable, and you just look like dicks! Feels like a win-win to me, just like most of our first place season. But you’re right, paying that money to help the innocent victims of a natural disaster really stings. You got us good.

Now can we get back to the game? Unlike the Yankees, the Red Sox have a postseason to focus on…


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