Welcome to the Red Sox. Well, actually, welcome to Boston. I know you’ve moved around quite a bit in the past year, but hopefully, now you’ve finally got a place to call home for a while.
I’ve been kind of hard on you in the past, but it’s only because I’m really passionate about my team. And honestly, I’m scared. I don’t want to see another 2017 season, and the thought of the Yankees dominating the division and being insufferable makes me feel ill. I don’t want to be complaining about my team, and I don’t want to feel like I don’t love baseball. Last season, it got really hard to love baseball. This off-season didn’t make it much better.
You’re a great player. Batting .303 with 45 homers and 104 RBIs last season? Strong. Doing it while missing over a month of the season and then getting traded? Even more impressive. Especially compared to the guys on this team you’re joining. Can you help them out? They’re younger than you, and they could really use some guidance on how to successfully connect bat with ball. It’s pretty embarrassing, actually. Maybe you and David Ortiz can teach a remedial class.
I really hope that you’ll be a good fit for us. So to help you with the transition, here’s some advice about how to be a Red Sock:
– Don’t listen to anything David Price says. In fact, until he gets his head on straight, maybe avoid him altogether.
– Be a David Ortiz, not a David Price. In every conceivable way.
– If you don’t already have one, develop a thick skin. Our media (myself included) can be annoying, crowding, and savage.
– Be a role model and a leader. Set an example for your teammates on how to play well and be a good person.
– Stay humble. Bostonians can sniff out a pretentious, pompous prick a mile away, and it’s not the kind of vibe we want. Don’t be an ARod.
– Don’t attack Hall Of Famers. Just don’t do it. Actually, try not to fight anyone. Except for Yankees players; they deserve it.
– Make an effort to show fans that you’re happy to be here and that you like us. A good attitude goes a long way here. Red Sox Nation only attacks when provoked, otherwise, we’re the most loving, passionate fans in the world. Despite what a certain pitcher said last week, we almost never “boo” our own players.
The thing you need to understand about Boston is that we are insanely passionate about our sports teams. And I can say with confidence that Red Sox Nation is the apex of that intense passion. We will scream our hearts out for you until our vocal cords are destroyed. We will sit in the freezing rain and the hottest sun to see you play. We will endure heartbreak for decades and keep showing up at Fenway Park because we truly believe in the magic of the Red Sox. I can guarantee: you will never play for a fan base as insanely devoted and psychotic. We are the absolute best.
Welcome to the Boston Red Sox, JD. We’re thrilled to have you. Please don’t let us down.
Gabrielle and Red Sox Nation
*Photo courtesy of Red Sox twitter account